Ready to stop fighting?

Conflict is a part of life.  It's a part of marriage and family life.  It's a part of your work place and every organization where you're a member.  Conflict is everywhere because people are everywhere and we're all different.  Different personalities, different perspectives, different value systems, different beliefs, different needs, all contribute to the inescapable-ness of conflict.

Being able to resolve conflict is a skill that will earn you a lot of respect from your peers and it can even earn you a lot of money if you're in a high stakes leadership position.  However, sometimes resolution isn't possible even for the wisest mediator to achieve.  In that case, a person is faced with the options of unresolved conflict or conflict management.  

Conflict management being preferable to ongoing conflict requires among other things that we be willing to respect a decision that we do not agree with, assuming the relationship is a higher value than having to win or be right.  In a leadership or board meeting the majority may decide, but if you're in the minority you still need to respect the decision.  The same principle applies to a decision made by:  a boss, a referee in a basketball game, a legal vote, a judge, or a parent trying to raise responsible children.

Respecting a decision doesn't mean agreeing with it or giving up on the possibility that your idea or position may eventually prevail.  In many cases there is a prescribed and appropriate process of appeal.  What respecting a decision means is simply accepting the decision knowing that often times a poor decision is better than no decision.  It also means you receive credibility for the next time that your opinion wins out, and you ask those who don't like the decision to accept it for the sake of:   the team, the marriage, the family, the friendship, the organization, the country, etc. 

5 misunderstandings that are sabotaging the family

I have a heart to see families and marriages succeed.  In fact, recently I've been leading my church to find ways that we can strengthen homes.  There are many practical things that individuals and churches can do to strengthen homes, some of which we're working on…

·      training in effective parenting principles

·      training to strengthen marriages

·      counseling or coaching families through conflict

·      providing child care so couples can go on a date

·      assisting single moms with practical needs

·      supporting foster families

·      spiritual growth programs for children and youth

·      praying for families & marriages

·      supporting families through times of grief

·      training families to manage their money effectively

·      support groups for men and women to help them grow as parents/spouses

Another important aspect of building strong homes is that Christians and churches need to teach God’s design for the family.  Every successful structure, whether physical or social, starts with a design.  Fortunately, God, who invented family and marriage, also gave the blueprints for the design of family and marriage.  Unfortunately, many people in our country seem to be moving farther away from God’s Word and the wisdom it has for us.

Consequently, I look around and count 5 prominent misunderstandings that are sabotaging families today.  Let's keep in mind what is clearly taught in the Bible regarding these topics.  If you don't accept the Bible then this is meaningless to you.  However, if you are a Christ- follower, His teachings are not ambivalent nor ambiguous regarding these 5 misunderstandings.

1.     Marriage was invented by God and he said it was to be a permanent and exclusive relationship between one man and one woman.

2.     A husband is to love his wife even to the point of sacrificing his life for her if needed.

3.     A wife is to submit to the Godly leadership of her husband.

4.     Parents are to show love by consistently correcting and disciplining their children and preparing them to live productive lives that glorify God.

5.     Children are to learn to respect adults and especially their parents and grandparents.

Do you understand your mission and identity?

When I preach, teach, and mentor leaders I often bring the message around to mission and identity.  These are the foundation for our discipleship.  

Mission is what I do.  When you are asked, "what do you do?", I'm sure you answer with your occupation.  Now, you could also answer with any number of other roles you play, i.e. parent, spouse, good neighbor, community activist, volunteer, youth coach, PTO member, student.  However, if you want to answer with the most important thing you are here on this planet to "do" the answer is, "I make disciples."  

Matthew 28:19-20 tells us that as we're going through life we're to make disciples for Jesus.  In other words all these other occupations are simply our "going."  They're the activities of life but not the mission of life.  As you are going through your life, every occupation offers the opportunity for you to share your faith and teach others how to follow Jesus.  As you work toward making disciples remember that your mission isn't exclusively individualistic, it is also a corporate mandate.  We should work together with our family and with Christian friends and we should especially work together with our church, to lead others to Christ and teach them to follow Him 

Identity is who I am.  When asked to describe yourself, I'm sure you start with your first and last name.  The answer to this question reveals how a person views him/herself and how they expect others to view them.  You could answer the identity question with the titles and the accomplishments of your life.  You can also answer with your membership in a group or your ethnicity or your social group.  Some people want to be known as artists, musicians, doctors, educators, homemakers, politicians, ministers, missionaries, union members, citizens, Americans, Pro athletes, accountants, gay, straight, Democrats, Republicans, African Americans, Latinos, Cardinals Fan, etc.  

Christians must remember that our primary identity is found in Christ.  Jesus created you, He redeemed you, He guides and provides for you, and He has a place ready for you to live in heaven.  I must remember that without Jesus I am nothing and I have nothing. Because of Him all my sins are forgiven.  I don't feel like I'm a perfect person but the fact is that in God's eye's I am perfect because when He looks at me He sees Christ in me (2 Cor 5:21.)  I am as righteous as Jesus but I certainly couldn't make myself THAT righteous.  In fact, I keep failing and falling short but remarkably I'm righteous anyway.  So, stop thinking of yourself as a failure or a sinner or a member of a group.  He redeemed your soul and gave you everything and in the process you became His.  You belong to Him.  So the question isn't "Who am I?" but, "Who's am I?"  My identity is that I belong the Christ!

2 Questions - How do these truths interact with each other?  If the greatest pupose for my life is to glorify God then, how do these truths help me to do that?

Why is domestic violence wrong?

Ray Rice is in trouble for hitting a woman and now the NFL is in trouble because they didn't dole out a severe enough punishment to Rice.  Not even Rice's teammates nor the NFL Players Association has come to his defense after the elevator video was released a few days ago.   Apparently the only person standing beside him at this point is the victim whom Rice subsequently married after the incident.

If the victim is willing to forgive and forget why is the furor still growing?  The answer is that almost every person in America is personally offended and deeply disturbed by the images of a man violently striking a woman.  We all understand this to be very wrong.  This was criminal in our minds, and it's a crime that needs to be punished regardless of what the victim is saying.  The fact that the almighty NFL is backpedaling fast is proof of the overwhelming public sentiment on this issue.

So, we all agree that domestic violence is very wrong.  My question is, why is it wrong?  Is it wrong because every time this crime is committed there are helpless victims?  Is it wrong because our stomachs turn when we hear of and see examples of domestic violence?  Is it wrong because it permits (primarily) men to arrogantly assume that they can bully their agendas past people who oppose them or tell them "no."  Is it wrong because our laws say it's wrong or because the vast majority of the American population agrees its wrong?

Take a second to consider what if the preceding series of assumptions weren't true.  What if our stomachs didn't turn at the sight of the video and what if we were all OK with bullying?  What if there was no law against what Ray Rice did and what if the vast majority of Americans said that he's allowed to hit his fiancé.  Would all this make domestic violence right rather than wrong?  Of course not!

I'm glad to see that our country is standing against this evil and that a star football player can't even find cover from the NFL or his teammates on this one.  However, this isn't evil because of our emotions or because of the popular opinion of our country.  Domestic violence is wrong because God says it's wrong.  Christians, do not forget to weigh every moral and ethical issue against the Bible so that we can see clearly what is right and wrong in this world.

Common Core?

These 2 words drove a preponderance of the debates in the recent AZ primary season for the Republican candidates...for ALL offices.  Logic would seem to dictate that this would be an issue for only the race for Superintendent of Education.  However, the simple question, "Common Core?" was surprisingly prominent in just about every race for state office.

What also surprised me was the paradoxes.  Conservatives, (a group of people whom I'm often associated with) are almost uniformly against an educational idea that purports to have accountability as a primary objective.  Furthermore, Common Core advocates seem to support the continuation of school choice which should find support among conservatives.  However, the greatest surprise of all in this toxic debate is that Common Core is focused on the principle of "standards," and yet conservatives didn't jump for joy realizing there would be no more social promotion.

I recognize there's a bigger picture here that includes a slippery slope making it easier than ever for our educational system to indoctrinate our children with relativism and humanism.  Our nation's move away from God's Word as the guiding document for governance and education is profound, accelerating, and barring a spiritual awakening, uninhibited.  So, should Christians fight the move to incorporate Common Core?  I'd say yes if the sole responsibility for educating my children rested with the government.  It doesn't.

The task of educating my 4 boys is my wife and my responsibility.  Public school is simply a partner and a tool available to us as we educate them.  Knowing that public education is less than ideal isn't exactly a new reality introduced with Common Core.  I've already learned to accept the bad with the good long before Common Core came along.  It's a parent's job to correct the bad and reinforce the good of their child's education on a daily basis.  Hopefully everyone understand that no one educational system, be it private, public, charter or home school programs will be a perfect partner.

So, in addition to being the Superintendent of my boys education I'm also busy working as a supportive influencer of public education along with Tammy.  At our local public elementary school where Tammy teaches and our four boys attend, we've seen that the Common Core standards have pushed forward significantly the expectations of what students are to learn at each grade level which we like.  I cannot yet comment on the affects of these standards on high school education nor the broad long-term impact of Common Core since its new and untested.  We're not fearful though.  We'll watch the trends carefully and cross that bridge later knowing that we hold the legal power and divine prerogative to choose a different educational option for our kids if and when that seems best for us.

Why I'm Not Doing the Ice Bucket Challenge

It's amazing that with all the excitement running rampant for such a great cause that there are many people who are scoffing and even undermining this effort to raise money and awareness for a cure to a truly awful disease.  Why would people do that?

It's because if I'm not on the bandwagon then I feel compelled to try and knock the wheels off it.  It's something that is sad but true about many Americans.  We jump on and off of bandwagons with impressive dexterity.  In the process we're not content to simply enjoy the new ride, but have to lob a grenade or two at the one next to me or even the one I was just on.

Watch and see that this is prevalent in America.  It's "give me 3 scoops of the flavor of the month" with a simultaneous gag reflex when offered last month's flavor.  Why can't we be happy for another cause or even another person who is experiencing success, or joy, or astonishment, or discovery, or laughter, or fun?  Why wouldn't we choose to bless rather than to curse?

The Bible calls it blessing others when we express that God is pleased with their goals and efforts.  If there is a cause that you wish you had the time or money to support but you can't, you can still bless it with encouraging words and prayer.  My bandwagons, our church, local school, 1Mission, and my community have each benefited from people like this.  People who are no longer or never were members, but who still bless anyway.

Tammy and I try to give as generously as we can to our church and to missions which doesn't leave much for giving to the many local fundraisers, ALS research, the guy holding a sign on the street corner, or the thousands of other great causes.  However, I'm not going to kick the guy on the corner or scoff at those who give to the Ice Bucket Challenge.  I want to bless those people for their generosity and the fun they're having doing something meaningful.

What is your response to Michael Brown's Killing?

I was recently preparing to preach from John 13:1-8 and found myself lingering on verses 2 & 3.  They are a parenthesis to the narrative and give us insight into what was going on in the mind of Judas and Jesus as the group entered the upper room right before Jesus' arrest and crucifixion.  However, if all you care about is the action, you could skip these verses but remember God has them here for a reason.

On one hand, Judas enters the room with his mind influenced by the evil one, hell-bent on betraying Jesus.  On the other hand Jesus has his game face on, knowing the power of God is at his disposal, knowing that his identity was found in God, knowing clearly what his mission was, and knowing that he could willingly give up his life because his destiny was with God.

This is important to understand because these 2 verses tell us the mindset of these two men as they entered the upper room, about to face a test.  Would Judas relinquish his selfishness and would Jesus succumb to it?  As the narrative continues in verse 4 we learn that Judas was empowered by the Devil, leveraging unhindered selfishness in the heart of this carnal man to ultimately produce violence.  On the other hand, Jesus was empowered by God, leveraging unhindered selflessness in the heart of this spiritual man to ultimately produce redemption.

As you enter into the dialogue and activism of the debate raging over the killing of Michael Brown you are facing a test which will reveal your mindset.  The carnal mind has a pre-formed agenda that is controlled by the Evil One.  The Spiritual mind is the mind of Christ, rooted in His power, identity, mission, and a future destiny in heaven.  It's a mindset that allows you to respond, in the midst of testing, in the way that Christ would respond.

So Christians, of every color, in your conversations and in your activism and through your discussions on social media, etc. your first priority is to have the mind of Christ evidenced in your responsiveness to other's needs and to God's call.  The mind of Christ will allow you to push past barriers that you otherwise would find impassable in your calling to be a peacemaker.  Whether you're a civic leader, a stay at home mom, a business owner, a policeman, a shift manager, or a corporate executive, if you're a Christian you've been assigned the job of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:16-18.)

When Christians pro-actively work to be peacemakers we honor God's name in front of the people we rub shoulders with on a daily basis.  When Christians set the example of what it means to have harmonious inter-cultural relationships we are a light in a dark world.  When Christians demonstrate how to take the lead in working out problems and solving crisis in a just and loving way, we will find that the world is taking notice of our witness.

For any white readers it starts here...how many friends of color have been in your home to share a meal with you?  How many times have you been invited by a Latino to join his family for a birthday party or spent the day with an African American friend?  Will there be people at your memorial service who look different than you?  Hopefully friendship and love will win the day when race tensions test your community and God will receive the glory because you embraced the ministry of reconciliation.