Talking about sex

I have one teenage son right now and after I blink a few more times I'll have 4 teens in the home.  

This fact recently led me to wonder what it must feel like for a teen boy to grow in such a super-sexualized culture.  Realize that Tammy and I are on the protective end of the spectrum in comparison with most families we know, and yet we know our kids are still being exposed to more sexual content than we probably were at their age.

Parenting through this particular issue of life will be a challenging experience but we know that God is going to give us wisdom through His Word and through friends.  If you have found a resource to be helpful to you in raising your children I invite you to please share it on Building Strong Homes, FB page. 

I recently posted an article there on the 5 Ingredients to a Sexually Fulfilled Marriage.  Having a strong marriage requires a healthy sex life.  In the right time we need to share this biblical principle with our kids...God invented sex for stronger marriages!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Building-Strong-Homes/855953031089727

Intimidated by family devotions because of the verses that stump you?

As we were reading through 1 Samuel we came across a verse where God literally instructs someone to lie.

I recently read with my boys 1 Samuel Chapter 16.  The Prophet Samuel, who was to anoint David as the next king of Israel, asked God what he should say if someone asked him why he was in Bethlehem.  Now, if the current king found out what was really going on, who knows what might have happened next! 

So, God told Samuel to take heifer and to tell anyone who asked, that he was in Bethlehem to offer a sacrifice. Technically it was the truth but the answer was meant to deceive.  So, I reminded my boys that when they do this, use a half-truth in order to deceive their parents, we still call it a lie. Of course, now I have to explain why God instructed someone to be less than truthful with his answer. What would you say to this? 

When you encounter difficult passages in your family devotions, what do you do? 

My encouragement is that you to leave the difficulty hanging for a while.  For instance, If you have a good answer don't give it right away.  Instead let the tension provide an opportunity for your kids to think and pray about the right answer for a day or a week. On the other hand, if you don't have a good answer, which is always intimidating for me as well, we have 3 choices:
1) I can say "oh boy, look at the time. I'd love to give you an answer but I have a heifer to sacrifice." - Give them a lie
2) I can give them my best guess - Possibly a half truth
3) I can admit I'm not sure and then go and research the answer together with my kids - learn the truth together

Of course option 3 is a very healthy and Scripture-honoring decision that will affirm your commitment to the Bible as the source of truth in front of your kids while showing them that you're humble enough to admit that you don't pretend to know everything.

Now, I know some of you may be distracted from the point of my article because of the ethical tension I just raised from 1 Samuel 16.  If you're wondering why God would suborn lying...well, let's talk about that next week ;)

Do you understand your mission and identity?

When I preach, teach, and mentor leaders I often bring the message around to mission and identity.  These are the foundation for our discipleship.  

Mission is what I do.  When you are asked, "what do you do?", I'm sure you answer with your occupation.  Now, you could also answer with any number of other roles you play, i.e. parent, spouse, good neighbor, community activist, volunteer, youth coach, PTO member, student.  However, if you want to answer with the most important thing you are here on this planet to "do" the answer is, "I make disciples."  

Matthew 28:19-20 tells us that as we're going through life we're to make disciples for Jesus.  In other words all these other occupations are simply our "going."  They're the activities of life but not the mission of life.  As you are going through your life, every occupation offers the opportunity for you to share your faith and teach others how to follow Jesus.  As you work toward making disciples remember that your mission isn't exclusively individualistic, it is also a corporate mandate.  We should work together with our family and with Christian friends and we should especially work together with our church, to lead others to Christ and teach them to follow Him 

Identity is who I am.  When asked to describe yourself, I'm sure you start with your first and last name.  The answer to this question reveals how a person views him/herself and how they expect others to view them.  You could answer the identity question with the titles and the accomplishments of your life.  You can also answer with your membership in a group or your ethnicity or your social group.  Some people want to be known as artists, musicians, doctors, educators, homemakers, politicians, ministers, missionaries, union members, citizens, Americans, Pro athletes, accountants, gay, straight, Democrats, Republicans, African Americans, Latinos, Cardinals Fan, etc.  

Christians must remember that our primary identity is found in Christ.  Jesus created you, He redeemed you, He guides and provides for you, and He has a place ready for you to live in heaven.  I must remember that without Jesus I am nothing and I have nothing. Because of Him all my sins are forgiven.  I don't feel like I'm a perfect person but the fact is that in God's eye's I am perfect because when He looks at me He sees Christ in me (2 Cor 5:21.)  I am as righteous as Jesus but I certainly couldn't make myself THAT righteous.  In fact, I keep failing and falling short but remarkably I'm righteous anyway.  So, stop thinking of yourself as a failure or a sinner or a member of a group.  He redeemed your soul and gave you everything and in the process you became His.  You belong to Him.  So the question isn't "Who am I?" but, "Who's am I?"  My identity is that I belong the Christ!

2 Questions - How do these truths interact with each other?  If the greatest pupose for my life is to glorify God then, how do these truths help me to do that?

Why is domestic violence wrong?

Ray Rice is in trouble for hitting a woman and now the NFL is in trouble because they didn't dole out a severe enough punishment to Rice.  Not even Rice's teammates nor the NFL Players Association has come to his defense after the elevator video was released a few days ago.   Apparently the only person standing beside him at this point is the victim whom Rice subsequently married after the incident.

If the victim is willing to forgive and forget why is the furor still growing?  The answer is that almost every person in America is personally offended and deeply disturbed by the images of a man violently striking a woman.  We all understand this to be very wrong.  This was criminal in our minds, and it's a crime that needs to be punished regardless of what the victim is saying.  The fact that the almighty NFL is backpedaling fast is proof of the overwhelming public sentiment on this issue.

So, we all agree that domestic violence is very wrong.  My question is, why is it wrong?  Is it wrong because every time this crime is committed there are helpless victims?  Is it wrong because our stomachs turn when we hear of and see examples of domestic violence?  Is it wrong because it permits (primarily) men to arrogantly assume that they can bully their agendas past people who oppose them or tell them "no."  Is it wrong because our laws say it's wrong or because the vast majority of the American population agrees its wrong?

Take a second to consider what if the preceding series of assumptions weren't true.  What if our stomachs didn't turn at the sight of the video and what if we were all OK with bullying?  What if there was no law against what Ray Rice did and what if the vast majority of Americans said that he's allowed to hit his fiancé.  Would all this make domestic violence right rather than wrong?  Of course not!

I'm glad to see that our country is standing against this evil and that a star football player can't even find cover from the NFL or his teammates on this one.  However, this isn't evil because of our emotions or because of the popular opinion of our country.  Domestic violence is wrong because God says it's wrong.  Christians, do not forget to weigh every moral and ethical issue against the Bible so that we can see clearly what is right and wrong in this world.

Common Core?

These 2 words drove a preponderance of the debates in the recent AZ primary season for the Republican candidates...for ALL offices.  Logic would seem to dictate that this would be an issue for only the race for Superintendent of Education.  However, the simple question, "Common Core?" was surprisingly prominent in just about every race for state office.

What also surprised me was the paradoxes.  Conservatives, (a group of people whom I'm often associated with) are almost uniformly against an educational idea that purports to have accountability as a primary objective.  Furthermore, Common Core advocates seem to support the continuation of school choice which should find support among conservatives.  However, the greatest surprise of all in this toxic debate is that Common Core is focused on the principle of "standards," and yet conservatives didn't jump for joy realizing there would be no more social promotion.

I recognize there's a bigger picture here that includes a slippery slope making it easier than ever for our educational system to indoctrinate our children with relativism and humanism.  Our nation's move away from God's Word as the guiding document for governance and education is profound, accelerating, and barring a spiritual awakening, uninhibited.  So, should Christians fight the move to incorporate Common Core?  I'd say yes if the sole responsibility for educating my children rested with the government.  It doesn't.

The task of educating my 4 boys is my wife and my responsibility.  Public school is simply a partner and a tool available to us as we educate them.  Knowing that public education is less than ideal isn't exactly a new reality introduced with Common Core.  I've already learned to accept the bad with the good long before Common Core came along.  It's a parent's job to correct the bad and reinforce the good of their child's education on a daily basis.  Hopefully everyone understand that no one educational system, be it private, public, charter or home school programs will be a perfect partner.

So, in addition to being the Superintendent of my boys education I'm also busy working as a supportive influencer of public education along with Tammy.  At our local public elementary school where Tammy teaches and our four boys attend, we've seen that the Common Core standards have pushed forward significantly the expectations of what students are to learn at each grade level which we like.  I cannot yet comment on the affects of these standards on high school education nor the broad long-term impact of Common Core since its new and untested.  We're not fearful though.  We'll watch the trends carefully and cross that bridge later knowing that we hold the legal power and divine prerogative to choose a different educational option for our kids if and when that seems best for us.

What is your response to Michael Brown's Killing?

I was recently preparing to preach from John 13:1-8 and found myself lingering on verses 2 & 3.  They are a parenthesis to the narrative and give us insight into what was going on in the mind of Judas and Jesus as the group entered the upper room right before Jesus' arrest and crucifixion.  However, if all you care about is the action, you could skip these verses but remember God has them here for a reason.

On one hand, Judas enters the room with his mind influenced by the evil one, hell-bent on betraying Jesus.  On the other hand Jesus has his game face on, knowing the power of God is at his disposal, knowing that his identity was found in God, knowing clearly what his mission was, and knowing that he could willingly give up his life because his destiny was with God.

This is important to understand because these 2 verses tell us the mindset of these two men as they entered the upper room, about to face a test.  Would Judas relinquish his selfishness and would Jesus succumb to it?  As the narrative continues in verse 4 we learn that Judas was empowered by the Devil, leveraging unhindered selfishness in the heart of this carnal man to ultimately produce violence.  On the other hand, Jesus was empowered by God, leveraging unhindered selflessness in the heart of this spiritual man to ultimately produce redemption.

As you enter into the dialogue and activism of the debate raging over the killing of Michael Brown you are facing a test which will reveal your mindset.  The carnal mind has a pre-formed agenda that is controlled by the Evil One.  The Spiritual mind is the mind of Christ, rooted in His power, identity, mission, and a future destiny in heaven.  It's a mindset that allows you to respond, in the midst of testing, in the way that Christ would respond.

So Christians, of every color, in your conversations and in your activism and through your discussions on social media, etc. your first priority is to have the mind of Christ evidenced in your responsiveness to other's needs and to God's call.  The mind of Christ will allow you to push past barriers that you otherwise would find impassable in your calling to be a peacemaker.  Whether you're a civic leader, a stay at home mom, a business owner, a policeman, a shift manager, or a corporate executive, if you're a Christian you've been assigned the job of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:16-18.)

When Christians pro-actively work to be peacemakers we honor God's name in front of the people we rub shoulders with on a daily basis.  When Christians set the example of what it means to have harmonious inter-cultural relationships we are a light in a dark world.  When Christians demonstrate how to take the lead in working out problems and solving crisis in a just and loving way, we will find that the world is taking notice of our witness.

For any white readers it starts here...how many friends of color have been in your home to share a meal with you?  How many times have you been invited by a Latino to join his family for a birthday party or spent the day with an African American friend?  Will there be people at your memorial service who look different than you?  Hopefully friendship and love will win the day when race tensions test your community and God will receive the glory because you embraced the ministry of reconciliation.    

Is being the "Next Tiger" a compliment?

It's been a while since I was compelled to watch more than 30 minutes of a PGA event.  Yesterday I was glued to the TV watching the leaders play the final 8 holes of the PGA Championship.

Rory McIlroy has suddenly emerged as a fantastically talented, up and coming "next Tiger Woods."  Of course everyone says this regarding the parallels they see in age and level of his displayed talent/success on the golf course.  But is Rory the next Tiger in another way?  The reason there is room for a "next" to ascend to "worlds greatest golfer"is that by most accounts Tiger's days of dominance are over.

Many see a correlation between his demise and the sudden dismantling of his marriage to Elin Nordegren.  What if Tiger had never been married?  Would he be fine today?  Maybe it's not really his bad back that has sidetracked his career, but his unfortunate marriage?  Did Rory figure this out before it was too late?

A popular refrain following McIlroy's impressive victory yesterday is that he's giving credit to his newfound freedom from his fiancé as the cause of his ascendancy.  It's not her fault, and of course he's a winner so it's not his fault.  It must be marriage.  Rory successfully escaped in the nick of time.  Now, according to Rory, all he has to worry about each day is going to the gym and playing golf (and cashing his 1-2 million dollar checks and $10 mil Nike endorsement deals)...a recurring fantasy of millions of men.

The truth is that Rory is right.  To attain super-ultimate, world class, elite ability at golf (or anything) you have to make big sacrifices.  Rory sacrificed a potential life-long companion and lover with whom he could have raised children and experienced the blessings of a family.  Of course many will argue that he can still do that later or that maybe he didn't really love her, arguments to which I don't argue.  But that isn't what he's saying.  Rory is, like many people, speaking of the benefits of non-marriage.  He's saying it's better to be free from the expectations and needs of a wife than to jeopardize your potential.

The Apostle Paul actually backs Rory on his rationale.  1 Corinthians 7:32-35 says,

         I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about 
         the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned 
         about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are 
         divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her 
         aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is 
         concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am 
         saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right
         way in undivided devotion to the Lord. 

Rory's problem is the object of devotion enabled by his freedom.  The practical problem that Paul points out in the context is that most people can't bear to be celibate for the sake of serving God whole-heartedly. So, Paul says go ahead and marry so that you can have an active sex life.

Now, would God endorse celibacy for the sake of unfettered focus toward earning the title of world's number one golfer?  Of course you're laughing at me now because you thought I was talking about marriage.  What does celibacy have to do with being single and what does monogamy have to do with marriage?  Rory's only giving up marriage.   He doesn't need to worry about committing himself to just one person for life.  At least that's what the next Tiger would believe.

So, today Rory can say that yesterday he beat arguably the next best golfer in the tournament field, Phil Mickelson by one stroke pointing to the edge he had as a result of his freedom versus Phil's unfortunate encumbrances.  He can say that in more ways than one he is the next Tiger.

Yesterday Rory's check was for $1.8 mil and Phil's was a mere $1.08 mil.  What a shame that Phil doesn't have Rory's edge and thereby lost out by a stroke.  Is Phil the devoted family man he appears to be?  We can't know for sure but at least his actions and his speech honor his wife, his kids and they honor God's institution of permanent, monogamous marriage.

Leaders Define Success

Those of you who are leaders understand that one role you play is to define the "wins" for your team.  In business those wins are often easy to see when you can simply look at the financial bottom line, growth of your market share, and the results of customer service surveys.  But what about winning at church?

MVCC is not focused on increasing our market share since that would mean another church has lost people...which is not a net gain for God's Kingdom.  Finances are important to sustaining and growing ministries but money is nothing more than a tool and not the goal.  When it comes to our "customers," their satisfaction isn't a goal we can set because sometimes the Gospel offends those who don't know and follow Christ.

A church is successful when:

* we faithfully share the Gospel and love others even knowing there may be no return on our investment.

* we create an environment that encourages spiritual growth in our members and emphasizes the Bible as our authority for all of life's decisions.  

* we provide opportunities for members take real steps of faith and spiritual growth through baptism, mission trips, sharing their faith, studying the Bible, and sharing their money and time with the church.

* new leaders are being raised up and accepting "pastoral" responsibilities.  

* we work to restore people who have been caught by sin and we have honest discussions that point out sinful choices, knowing we risk ticking people off.  

* members care for one another, pray for each other, and bear each others burdens, especially caring for the vulnerable among us.  

* the more mature are willing to love and be patient and teach the less mature.  

* we see diversity of membership because of a willingness to love and accept all people right where they're at spiritually.

* there are biblically qualified/godly leaders who are respected by the church for their position and their willingness to be servant-leaders.

* There is joy and a unity of spirit among the church body as it worships, serves, and prays and grows together.

Worshiping God at Little League

God has chosen to bless Tammy and me with 4 kids who possess a variety of gifts and abilities.  One ability is athletics.  As Little League begins this week an important question I have is, can we worship God in some real way as we trek multiple times a week for the next few months to the Little League Fields?

I’m aware that for many families, youth sports and worship do go together.  However, it’s a worship of sports and family.  Don’t get me wrong, sports are important and help keep my kids active instead of in front of video games.  Of course family is also a high priority for me, but neither one is to be worshiped.

The problem is that often God isn’t in the equation or he’s added in like the minimum play rule.  

"Don’t forget to get God into the game for at

least 2 innings! Oh darn and it’s such a close

game.  Do I have to?"

When it comes to worshiping God, the OT couldn’t be more clear that God doesn’t accept left-overs or even less than the best from us.  God alone reserves the right of our true worship.  So, is it possible to participate in sports at this level and beyond, and still worship the creator rather than the created?

What about sin in the church?

I was recently asked about how to handle a sin issue discovered in a person's life and so I'll write about it as a teaching opportunity.  Church discipline are two words that when grouped together cause all sorts of anxiety in people.  Some hear those words and are flooded by negative emotions illicited by memories of being confronted by judgmental and legalistic Christians.  Others feel a sense of fear knowing that there is a current sin issue present in the church they'd rather ignore.  

I find that there are a lot of similarities between church discipline and the discipline of my own children.  There are some parents who are way too harsh and angry in the way they discipline their kids while some parents are way too permissive...same goes for churches.

Discipline is not convenient, it's not fun, its not something we prefer to do, but it is necessary and the adult (mature person) understands how important it is in a person's growth.  Proverbs talks a lot about the benefits of discipline and the wisdom of correction.  

Galatians 6:1 is an important passage talking about discipline.  It reminds us that there will always be people around us who are caught by sin (the Devil is actively working to get us off track.)  A mature person doesn't stick their head in the sand, but neither do they overreact to the situation.  In context, Paul has just instructed us as to the fruit we bear when we're controlled by God's Spirit (chapter 5.)  He then mentions one of those fruit again in chapter 6, "gentleness."  Restore in a spirit of gentleness.  

The word "restore" in the original Greek meant to mend as in mending a torn net.  It was also used in a medical sense meaning to set a broken bone.  We all know that mending and setting aren't fun jobs but they are very necessary!  So, we shouldn't like discipline but we all should be doing it.  And we're to be humble and gentle as we correct.  Just as we're to be humble and gentle in the way we correct our own children.  Some other principles that I've learned...

1) Pray for the person caught by his sin

2) Confess your own sins to God

3) Don't nickel and dime people on every little flaw you notice.  Address...

     * Sins that reoccur or are habitual

     * Sins that are influencing others to live ungodly lives

     * Sins that are harming himself or others

     * Sins that bring division or other problems in the church

4) Ask for permission to speak into his life

5) Be willing to help him with his sin (help bear his burden).  If you find that you are quick to counsel 

people on making changes but do nothing to help them, then you are lacking the fruit of the Spirit.

6) Work at protecting the offender from slander and gossip because the issue isn't about his failure it's about helping him grow and mature through the trial.

7) Don't bring the issue to church leadership unless you've tried and failed to restore the person...church discipline is primarily the job of all the mature believers working through natural relationship channels.  Most of the time sins shouldn't need to be brought to the pastors.  This point is especially true when the sin issue is a person's critical or unforgiving spirit toward church leaders.  Friends and small group leaders should be the ones to confront this sin and remind others that church leaders are to be supported and honored (1 Tim 5:17.)

Relationship rather than authority are usually the key to restoration.  Authority is a last resort for those who are unteachable and for those who are hurting the church.  Ideally discipline should rarely reach this point.  Matthew 18 outlines a relational process whereby offenses are dealt with by those who are aware of the offense.  The circle of people aware of the issue only expands if necessary for restoration.

Churches that overreact to sin issues and don't show patience and grace are cold and legalistic.  Churches that under-react to sin issues become unhealthy and spiritually impotent.  Churches where people are both honest and loving with each other, are spiritually healthy environments.  Lastly, not everyone will appreciate discipline no matter how loving and gentle it is.  These people will leave the church rather than confront their imperfections and that also helps to make the church a more healthy family.